it’s been 3 days since the break up and i suspect there will be a hundred or a thousand more…

well, it’s not THAT bad because me and james actually talk all the time. but just a best friends now, though. yes, we’ve established the “best friends” title because we figured that we didn’t wanna waste our friendship. but sometimes i still think that we’re moving to fast. maybe being friends shouldn’t be the right thing to do right now. but it’s already been done and i’m left to pick up  the pieces out of the mess that i’ve made.

james and i talked yesterday to really settle things and it came to a point where we both decided we weren’t happy with this relationship anymore and maybe it was best that we just end it. but THEN after a while it just lead up to us giving each other space to learn, grow, think.

sometimes i get scared that maybe time is going to make one of us realize that we don’t really need each other that much anymore. but then i don’t have control over that anymore, do i?

i guess me and james are just two very different people with different wants but in the end we both just end up wanting each other. i want to be in a relationship where i can still live my own life. where i don’t have someone else making decisions for me or where someone is constantly telling me how to live my life and what i should and shouldn’t do. i wanna be with someone who makes an effort to understand me and support me and someone who at least TRIES to like my friends. and james… well, i really don’t know what he wants.

but maybe there are certain things that i could do without. but what i really want to be with the james who i feel in love with. i don’t want to talk about an anonymous third person and describe all the things i would’ve wanted in a guy because i just want james and i want him to be the guy who he was when we were both growing up. he used to be someone who supported me, comforted me, tried to understand me, made an effort with my friends..

i never thought people could change this much in such a short time.

not being with him is the most painful thing in the world because i love having him around so much. i love him a lot, too and i would give up my arms and legs for him if i had to. but you know, i can’t just be in a relationship where it’s just me. because i know he will never feel all these things for me.

maybe if we never find each other again, he’ll find someone else he can feel all these things for. maybe someone worth it. maybe he never felt those things for me because maybe i’m not worth it afterall. 😦

but i wish i was. i wish he thought i was worth it.