my papa has ulcerative colitis and he usually has his days when he can barely stand up or do anything else for that matter. he practically spent the whole christmas eve and christmas lying in bed agonizing over the pain he was feeling. in the afternoon of the 26th, we found out that he really wanted to go to the hospital but he was just scared. scared to pay, scared of just being in the hospital. and i have to tell you with all my heart, it is NOT easy to see a grown man cry..

but thankfully, things have gotten better. and i think that it is a blessing in disguise that my boyfriend is out of town because i just really want this christmas break to be about him.

this is really the first christmas break in soo long wherein i just got to hang out with my family because i don’t usually do that.

on new year’s eve, me and my papa just sat on the front porch and laughed and looked at pictures and it made me realize how much i love him and how much time i’ve lost with him. it kinda made me realize why he despises james so much and why he is so angry with my real dad..

this is such a gay thing for me to say, i know it is far fetched and i don’t know why i would rather say this to a bunch of strangers rather than to my boyfriend or my best friends but the reason why i’m acting the way i act now is cuz i’m scared to loose him. i’m scared that he might die. and i’m scared that if he did, i would just be left with a long list of things i wish i would’ve done because i never did it when i had the chance to.

i know it’s stupid but everytime i see him in pain, i keep thinking “this is it. this may be the end.”

but anyways. today i was gonna go out with my friends cuz yeah, it’s my best friends birthday. but then out of a sudden, my papa cooks us dinner [something he HARDLY does] and he made us sit down together as a family and eat.

he made me bacon [i got bacon instead of eggs cuz i’m allergic to eggs], spam, sausages and he even made the rice shapped like a mountain!

then he prayed and said “thank you god for the time i get to spend with my family. i am so blessed to have them.” and then his voice started to get all raspy and then next thing you know, my mom was crying! hahahaha. one of those classic moments out family usually has.

dinner was good. full of laughs and smiles and teasing. moments that i’ll always treasure.

now we’re all gonna watch dvd’s as a family. i’m excited.

i just can’t go out now. don’t wanna disappoint my papa. he’s out buying dvds for us.

i’ll blog soon.