this year, me and james decided to wear the same shirt. i’m excited for that no matter how tacky it may seem. it’s just something i know i’m going to remember for a long time and i like moments like that cuz i know we’re not going to have a lot of those anymore. or at least not now.

i haven’t updated in a while so i guess that’s why i sound like i’m new at this and hence, the smiley. it’s getting pretty obvious.

i went to my classmate’s father’s wake this morning. it was really sad. and i feel bad for her mainly because the whole world is acting like nothing’s happening. [stupid, i know. i think i’m selfish like that] and idk, that’s probably the worse and most painful thing that could happen to anyone. to loose a family member. it just makes me wonder bah, why does everyone still have a reason to smile or laugh? i bet their life is just as fucked up as i think it is yet we’re still laughing and smiling at that dullest things. do you think we’re just all really good at pretending?

i do.

me and james are getting better, i think. but i still think that this relationship isn’t going to work out.

honestly, i feel like he’s the one [even though it’s too early to say]. somehow i know that i don’t want to love anyone else cuz then i would just make that other person feel second rate. i know that i will never love anyone as much as i love him. but deep inside me, i have the strongest feeling that i’m lying to myself now. because i’m not getting what i want.

and all i really want is just to be loved. it’s that simple. i just want to be happy. is that so hard?

i don’t want to be called a slut or a bitch or stupid because deep down inside me i know that i’m not really those things but how come nobody sees that?

i’m tired of living this life and i’m tired of pretending and i’m tired of not being happy.

if i died, i know that nobody’ll miss me. not even james. he’ll move on.

i know the whole world’ll just carry on and people will just keep on laughing and smiling about stupid things like what some girl is wearing or that word some guy mispronounced and that sucks.

when i die, i want people to talk about the bad sides of me. because people are such hypocrites. no one ever tells me that i’m a true friend or that i’m nice or understanding now. so why should they say it when i’m dead? i’m not a fucking saint. and i don’t want death to be the only moment i’m ever going to be patronized.

gtg. practice in a bit.