i feel like i wasted another day today which is how i usually feel about every single day which makes it suck more. right now i wish i had a better life. something else other than this. i wish i slept at night look forward to waking up the next day but i don’t see that happening for me very soon. even though college is coming up. now lang. ambot. right now i just feel like college isn’t going to be as fun as i keep thinking it will be. i just feel like either i won’t get to hang out enough with james or that he’ll be breathing down my neck 24/7. and i feel that the latter is more likely to happen.

i wish i would fall asleep on him tonight because quite frankly, i do not want to talk to him right now. i don’t want to talk to anybody right now.

right now i just feel really empty or walai gana. i think i need someone to teach me how to handle disappointments because lately, that’s how i’ve been feeling a lot and it just really sucks.

i can’t help but feel bad or feel like i don’t care but still feel like wanting to cry at the same time. damn woman hormones.

i’m trying to remember what me and james did for our anniversary but somehow i can’t cuz fuck, we didn’t do ANYTHING. i want to remember the last time i really felt in love with him without having to have a big fight before that. but honestly, lately, idk. i’m just forgetting how it is to actually be in love with the guy.

don’t get me wrong, i do. i really do. but ambot. sometimes i feel like all this lying to see him or spend a few minutes with him isn’t worth it cuz it never happens. honestly, i don’t want to see him tomorrow and i mean it this time. i don’t know what’s wrong with me but i know that it’s about him. i know it has something to do with me not wanting to see him or talk to him or be around him.

i always go out of the way for him. but he wouldn’t even let me catch up to him at sm ganina. i wonder why. but i won’t question him. i don’t want another fight.

god, what would i do without this blog…