have you ever wondered if a person can stay “in” love for the rest of their life? and i actually mean, in love. or am i the only person who knows that she’s in love with a boy but just can’t bring herself to feel it right now? ugh, i don’t know what’s wrong with me right now. lately i’ve just been dull and numb and counting the days til i get my period so this madness would end but it hasn’t come yet and i hate having PMS.

i mean don’t get me wrong, i love james. god, i love him with all my heart. i sat 1 row behind on the opposite side of him at church and i felt like i was dying to run across so i could sit with him and i couldn’t contain myself from constantly turning my back to get a glimpse of him. if i didn’t love him, i wouldn’t have felt anything when i saw him pray, right? but i did. or i wouldn’t have wasted my time wondering if he was praying about me and us. i wouldn’t have daydreamed about running to him and just break down and cry just like how we cried together at church camp if i didn’t really love him, right? i wouldn’t have blushed when he patted my head to say good bye, right? so i guess i really do love him. even if these may not be the concrete reasons to what love is, i know that deep down inside me, i really do love him.

i mean, why wouldn’t i? despite the fact that he makes me mad like hell or despite the fact that i can never bring myself to fully trust him because i don’t even know why. despite the fact that he makes the dumbest jokes and sometimes i wish i could just get away from everything, i know that if that really happened, i would spend the rest of my time looking for him anyways.

so what’s wrong with me today?
what’s been up with me?
what’s been wrong with us?

last night we had a big fight and i think i was ok with the fact of us breaking up which is proli why i’m not so into it anymore. but regardless of that, i told him that for one week, he had to treat me the way he would treat a girl he was into. yk, really sweet, wouldn’t hurt a fly, flowers and chocolates kind. i know it was pretty shitty but idk, in my defense, i guess i just really miss the feeling of falling in love.

i do love james, hands down. but now i’m feeling a little more reckless than usual. right now, i feel like if i died tonight, i wouldn’t be missed. right now i just feel like i’m not getting as much out of life as everyone else and i hate feeling like this.right now. i feel like i could loose everything i have in a blink of an eye and i just want to feel like i’m worth a little more than nothing, yk.

i bought rabbits the other day. venom and elephant. they sleep in a box in my room at night but my papa doesn’t know. i don’t have anything to feed them right now and their cage is busted. more of a reason to smile.

over and out.

issa