have you ever felt so uddery stupid before? tonight was, i think, the second time i’ve seen my brother in his 4 years and i think i’m bummed. it sucks that i don’t have a relationship with them when im fact, i would rather have a rel. with them than with my ggfjk873648 dad.

i hate how the thinks i’m ok. how he thinks that everything between us is good. i hate how he assumes that i need him or how i think about him because quite frankly, i don’t.

i wish i could skip the whole alvin part and just jump to my brother and sister because they look more promising than he will EVER be.

i know he has SOME part in them knowing who i am cuz he talks about me blah blah but i don’t care and i don’t think i ever will.

i just hate the fact that i have to deal with stuff like this. stuff like pretending i want to do something when i don’t just because i don’t want to offend anybody. i really hate stuff like this gyud.

i hate the fact that my papa has to feel sorry for me because he thinks i’m not getting enough of what i should and how i constantly get these pity i love you’s from him. i just hate it.

i wish my life had no clutter. and i wish james was awake. cuz i kinda need him. even if i know he could never help me with this. i just kinda need someone to talk to right now. even if i know he wouldn’t really understand. sometimes you don’t really need someone who understands. maybe sometimes you just need someone who listens :[